Solitude

I'm not sure I'm really entirely okay with this being alone business. I mean, there are times where I quite enjoy it - it can be nice to just do what I feel like. I can read, watch movies, see friends, do whatever I feel like doing when I want to do it, instead of having the feeling that my time partly belongs to someone else. The freedom is a good thing.

But being free also means being alone. It means not having someone to watch movies with. It means not having someone to sleep next to. It means coming home to an empty house, an empty room.

I've spent lots of time in the last week and a half out with friends, so haven't really had all that much alone-time. I'm finding I'm not really enjoying my alone-time as much as I'd like to. I wish I was revelling in it, but I'm not. And it's making me face the realisation that, as much as I think of myself as a strong, independent person, when it comes down to it I'm about as needy and clingy as you can get.

Part of my problem is that I feel like there's a disconnect between my head and my emotions. At the moment, I'm living in my head-plane. Even though I haven't been to work for the last week, I've been relatively functional, doing things around the house and being very sociable. While it's sure given off the illusion to those around me that I'm doing pretty well and moving on fairly quickly, I can't help thinking that this isn't what it's meant to be like. Shouldn't I be really upset? Shouldn't I be spending the evening at home alone listening to tragic music and bawling my eyes out? I can't seem to bring myself to do it, yet I'm convinced that those feelings are down there inside me somewhere. I'm a little bit terrified of the moment they erupt. Because I am convinced it will happen at some point. But hey, maybe the melodramatic part of me is just disappointed that I haven't suffered some kind of nervous breakdown yet and is pushing for it to happen. I just want to stop thinking and feel. I want to know what I feel. At the moment I'm just confused because I feel like my mind, which is doing plenty of thinking, isn't getting the signals from my guts to tell me where the thinking should be going. I just want to feel.

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In other (much more exciting) news, we have a change of government! Hooray for change! Hooray for the Australian public (partially) coming to their senses! I have to say partially, because I'm not particularly happy with the prospective Senate breakdown in my state. It leaves me somewhat in doubt of whether the general populace actually understands the point of the Upper House. Minor parties in the Senate is a good thing, people! *shakes head in frustration*