It's over

The boy ended things for us last Friday, which was a hell of a shock, to say the least. He'd been away most of the week, spending time with his family as a relative died over the weekend. On Friday night he came home from work, and announced that he thought we should break up. That he just wasn't in love with me anymore. He said I'm still an amazing person, which is why he thinks it may have taken a while for him to figure it out, but that the feeling just isn't there.

I'm feeling such a range of things - still, and it happened almost a week ago. I guess this'll take some time to work through. Part of me feels a sense of relief, because it's certainly the right thing. I also feel guilt, because my feelings towards the boy are something I've been questioning for a little while, but he made the decision to tell me about it, whereas I denied it both to him and myself, telling myself we deserved another shot. It makes me wonder why I wasn't more honest in the first place, if it's so obviously the best thing. There's also obviously a degree of grief - even if neither of us really feel for each other anymore, there was a time when we were hopelessly in love. We certainly went through our fair share of heartache just to be together, and at the time it all felt worth it. I can't help questioning, Where did all of those feelings go? When did they leave? And why? Could we have averted all of this somehow? I think most of all, I'm scared. Scared of being alone, scared that I'll always be a selfish woman who puts career in front of everything else because part of me knows that no one can really love someone like that for the long-term.

I just want to spend all of my time with friends at the moment, but this is also becoming slightly complicated. Male best friend (MBF) is making things difficult. I know he has feeling for me, but over the last six months I've gotten so many conflicting messages on what those feelings are. I really don't want to see him, but have to because he's everywhere that my friends are. All of his complications are really not something I need right now.

Work is overwhelmingly complicated as well. I haven't been in for the last two days, and think I might blow off the rest of the week. Part of me can't believe that I could shirk my responsibilities like this - it's very uncharacteristic. But I've hated it for a long time. I never thouht I'd say it, but I actually regret taking the position at all. I just want to extricate myself from the place and never set foot in it again. There's only a few weeks left, but at this exact point in time I really can't even face that.

Theme Music for the Week: Rilo Kelley's Portions for Foxes. Pretty much sums up things with MBF