Solitude

I'm not sure I'm really entirely okay with this being alone business. I mean, there are times where I quite enjoy it - it can be nice to just do what I feel like. I can read, watch movies, see friends, do whatever I feel like doing when I want to do it, instead of having the feeling that my time partly belongs to someone else. The freedom is a good thing.

But being free also means being alone. It means not having someone to watch movies with. It means not having someone to sleep next to. It means coming home to an empty house, an empty room.

I've spent lots of time in the last week and a half out with friends, so haven't really had all that much alone-time. I'm finding I'm not really enjoying my alone-time as much as I'd like to. I wish I was revelling in it, but I'm not. And it's making me face the realisation that, as much as I think of myself as a strong, independent person, when it comes down to it I'm about as needy and clingy as you can get.

Part of my problem is that I feel like there's a disconnect between my head and my emotions. At the moment, I'm living in my head-plane. Even though I haven't been to work for the last week, I've been relatively functional, doing things around the house and being very sociable. While it's sure given off the illusion to those around me that I'm doing pretty well and moving on fairly quickly, I can't help thinking that this isn't what it's meant to be like. Shouldn't I be really upset? Shouldn't I be spending the evening at home alone listening to tragic music and bawling my eyes out? I can't seem to bring myself to do it, yet I'm convinced that those feelings are down there inside me somewhere. I'm a little bit terrified of the moment they erupt. Because I am convinced it will happen at some point. But hey, maybe the melodramatic part of me is just disappointed that I haven't suffered some kind of nervous breakdown yet and is pushing for it to happen. I just want to stop thinking and feel. I want to know what I feel. At the moment I'm just confused because I feel like my mind, which is doing plenty of thinking, isn't getting the signals from my guts to tell me where the thinking should be going. I just want to feel.

* * *

In other (much more exciting) news, we have a change of government! Hooray for change! Hooray for the Australian public (partially) coming to their senses! I have to say partially, because I'm not particularly happy with the prospective Senate breakdown in my state. It leaves me somewhat in doubt of whether the general populace actually understands the point of the Upper House. Minor parties in the Senate is a good thing, people! *shakes head in frustration*

So It's What's On The Inside That Counts?

I went out the other night with some friends, and there were a few moments where I'd be left on my own. Invariably, during these moments, some guy would come and start chatting me up. Eventually, the question "So, what do you do at uni?" would arise. I didn't want to show off, so I'd start by saying I'd just finished a drama degree. But then they'd want to know what I was going to do now that I'd finish, so I'd fess up and say I was starting med in January. Woah, what a change that made! All of a sudden, no matter who the guy was, he'd become instantly completely uninterested. I mean, I was uninterested to begin with - not being a huge one for random anonymous hook-ups - but it was still pretty insulting! What's so unattractive about a woman being smart? Bastards.

It's over

The boy ended things for us last Friday, which was a hell of a shock, to say the least. He'd been away most of the week, spending time with his family as a relative died over the weekend. On Friday night he came home from work, and announced that he thought we should break up. That he just wasn't in love with me anymore. He said I'm still an amazing person, which is why he thinks it may have taken a while for him to figure it out, but that the feeling just isn't there.

I'm feeling such a range of things - still, and it happened almost a week ago. I guess this'll take some time to work through. Part of me feels a sense of relief, because it's certainly the right thing. I also feel guilt, because my feelings towards the boy are something I've been questioning for a little while, but he made the decision to tell me about it, whereas I denied it both to him and myself, telling myself we deserved another shot. It makes me wonder why I wasn't more honest in the first place, if it's so obviously the best thing. There's also obviously a degree of grief - even if neither of us really feel for each other anymore, there was a time when we were hopelessly in love. We certainly went through our fair share of heartache just to be together, and at the time it all felt worth it. I can't help questioning, Where did all of those feelings go? When did they leave? And why? Could we have averted all of this somehow? I think most of all, I'm scared. Scared of being alone, scared that I'll always be a selfish woman who puts career in front of everything else because part of me knows that no one can really love someone like that for the long-term.

I just want to spend all of my time with friends at the moment, but this is also becoming slightly complicated. Male best friend (MBF) is making things difficult. I know he has feeling for me, but over the last six months I've gotten so many conflicting messages on what those feelings are. I really don't want to see him, but have to because he's everywhere that my friends are. All of his complications are really not something I need right now.

Work is overwhelmingly complicated as well. I haven't been in for the last two days, and think I might blow off the rest of the week. Part of me can't believe that I could shirk my responsibilities like this - it's very uncharacteristic. But I've hated it for a long time. I never thouht I'd say it, but I actually regret taking the position at all. I just want to extricate myself from the place and never set foot in it again. There's only a few weeks left, but at this exact point in time I really can't even face that.

Theme Music for the Week: Rilo Kelley's Portions for Foxes. Pretty much sums up things with MBF

So Childish

I really wish people who are technically adults would behave as such. Being at work lately has been like being in some bad American movie set in a cliquey high school. It means I spend the VAST majority of my time running around trying to make people just get on with each other and do their job - which is NOT the most effective use of my time. It's really horrible being able to see what the source of all the problems are, and being pretty much unable to do anything about it. Damn you, IR laws. Of course, I actually totally support strong IR laws and protecting the rights of workers, but I now also have experience of how protecting those rights means that the employer can have difficulty rectifying a difficult situation that one employee creates, which impacts on other employees throughout the entire organisation. ***banging head against brick wall ***

I am also in a particularly bad mood because I have a popcorn hangover. Yes, you read right - a popcorn hangover. I went to the movies with the Moose last night (expanded Moose - there were about 20 of us), and hadn't eaten for about 8 hours by the time we got there. Knowing that dinner was at least another three hours away, I made what I thought at the time was the right choice, and ate a WHOLE lot of popcorn. Once you have a huge popcorn, it's impossible not to eat it! I just have to eat it because it's there! And then wash down with large quantities of frozen raspberry soft drink. I felt fine last night, but woke up this morning with an INCREDIBLE headache, which has stayed with me all day, no matter how much water I drink. Ugh, never eating popcorn again...

Ticking Off My List

Hooray! My faculty rang me yesterday to confirm that I am able to graduate this semester (which I knew already, but damn they were taking their time to approving me), so that's one thing ticked off my list of "Things To Do To Start Med in 2008." Or half-ticked, anyway - I haven't graduated yet, but it's all set up for next month. I've decided not to attend the ceremony. Graduation ceremonies at my university are the most stage-managed, farcical, make-you-feel-like-a-number-not-a-person charades. You have to sit where they tell you, stand when they tell you, sit when they tell you, move when they tell you. And when you walk across the stage to shake the Chancellor's hand and they give you your canister, guess what? THE CANISTER IS EMPTY!!! That's right, your degree isn't even in there. It's entirely for show. Somewhat of an allegory for the university itself...

There are quite a few things left on my list, and unfortunately they all involve spending money:
* Do First Aid course - $120
* Get vaccinations - not sure, but apparently a few hundred dollars
* Buy a longer-life battery for my laptop - $140
* Buy a lab coat - $20
* Get a stethoscope - about $100, but the parentals are covering this one as my Christmas present
* Buy a clinical examination textbook - $140

I just got my tax return, which was exciting, but it's pretty much all allocated now. I'm hoping that any other textbook needs can be fulfilled by the books I've got from undergrad and those that will be in my PBL room, otherwise it could end up being a rather expensive first semester.

Last Exam Ever!!! (In Undergrad....)

Yay, undergraduate degree finished! First undergraduate degree, that is, if you want to be technical about it and qualify Med as an undergrad rather than a graduate - yeah, I can be finnicky that way, too, so I understand. But whatever, finishing something is a fairly good feeling. It would be an even better feeling if the faculty would get their act together and organise my graduation already. I've been onto them for about a month regarding it now, and they still haven't finalised anything! Surely they have some kind of deadline for this kind of thing, right? And I don't think I need to stress, with Med starting in January, that I am QUITE KEEN to get it all sorted and just be damn graduated already! Oh well, the nice woman in the office today told me it should be sorted in a week. I sure hope so.

What is it lately with people just never getting back to me about things? I've applied to volunteer at a week-long festival this summer as a stage manager. Quite a few of my friends are going, including everyone from Spruce Moose, so it should be an awesome time. The spanner in the works is that the head of stage management has STILL not gotten back to any of us to confirm whether or not we actually have a position - and I've been waiting for two months! I would like to be able to plan my Christmas/New Year's (as would the boy, not to mention the parentals), but it is proving impossible without an idea of whether or not I'll be working at the festival. Oh well, guess I just need to keep chasing this woman...